My blogging journey began with the memories and now it has transformed into one of healing.
When I first began the journey towards healing from the past, one of my first steps was joining lots of different narcissistic support groups on Facebook. Reading other peoples posts of information they’ve found, books they’ve read as well as questions posted helped me feel that I am not alone. In my life, I am surrounded by family and friends who do not understand what it is like to be raised by a narcissistic parent. They lack the insight to provide any kind of support. Which of course I understand, to describe even the smallest thing I’ve experienced at the hands of my Narc Mother leaves people either laughing, speechless or looking at me like I might be too sensitive. Because after all, she’s your mother right? How could a mother really want to hurt her children? Generally people find this hard to comprehend because it goes against everything society holds dear about Mothers’. I get told, “but she’s so nice” or “she’s your mother”. That last one really gets to me; so because she’s my mother I must excuse the fact that deep down there is no genuine love for me? No genuine interest in who I am, no acceptance of my dry sense of humour. I must excuse her for belittling me in the company of other people because “she’s my mother”?
And then when I let people know I have no contact with the Mother, I get the ‘I’m so sorry’. To which I reply, there is nothing to be sorry about. Since going no contact I am the strongest I have ever been. I am more sure of myself, more conversational, more connected to other people in my life, friends and acquaintances. The best part is that I am actually feeling my emotional states rather than trying to suppress my feelings with destructive behaviour as was the case for most of my life. A great example of this is when we had a planning meeting at work and my manager cried at the end because she was so happy with all our efforts and where we are going in 2018. Before I would struggle to connect and feel empathy towards another in this situation and would engage more in what I think was a cognitive empathy rather than a deeper feeling state of empathy. Seeing my manager’s happiness expressed through tears brought tears to my own eyes, and I allowed myself to feel that connection. I did not push it away and nor did I feel ashamed.
A month or so later this happened again at my little girl’s school assembly. The Grade 6’s had made a beautiful video of children in the school celebrating their values each had written onto posters, things like being a good friend, sharing and kindness. These children were expressing themselves in a way that was unique to them, and this was a cause for celebration. Watching this video brought tears to my eyes and I stood there allowing the waves of feeling to rush through my body, I allowed my heart to fill with the love and there was no shame. My expression of gratitude was accepted by my school community, everyone shared in the emotion.
This is healing!