How can one describe a moment of true healing? One where your past behaviour did not dictate an action taken in the present. That is what happened today!
In a moment of feeling stressed and at tipping point emotionally, I reached for a trigger food that would have begun the beginning of a binge. And something happened, that has happened before, but this time the voice was LOUDER. A voice in my mind said “NO!…NO!…NO!”
I’ve heard this voice like a faint whisper in the past, but today the voice was LOUDER and STRONGER.
Today I listened to that voice. And I stopped.
Instead of binging, I had a cup of tea.
And I cried.
I sat with my feelings and felt the weight of the world.
I cried for myself, I cried for all the suffering I see in the news everyday, I cried for feeling like a bad person, a bad mother, a bad wife. I just allowed myself to cry. I allowed these feelings to exist and did not run away from them. I felt the despair and grief and refused to let it dictate destructive behaviour.
Today I realised there can be no more running away from myself. I have to face this deep ball of sadness and despair that lives inside my body. I’m so tired of carrying it around with me everyday. Today, my inner voice, my true self, fought destructive behaviour and reminded me I am strong. And that I am healing.