Oh how I know you so well! Three years no contact and the threats continue. But I remain strong. With a supportive husband by my side I am lucky to have someone there to hold me up when the weight of guilt bears down. That “guilt” I feel is societal guilt, this idea that because someone is your Mom they somehow deserve this unwavering devotion and respect.
It is not easy to go against the grain, to have those sorry faces apologising for my no contact. To see those judging eyes, perhaps wondering if I am the one who has done wrong. To those people, I say, do not feel sorry for me, I am the strongest and happiest I have ever been in my entire teenage and adult life. I no longer meet the DSM-V criteria for bulimia nervosa. An eating disorder that bullied me over 15 years. My borderline personality traits are under control, I am not depressed and I am no longer on medication.
The person I used to call Mom, knows all my triggers, she continually tries so many different tactics to wear me down, to make me react so that she may get some narcissistic supply that she so desperately needs. Going no contact has lifted the veil, I see the wizard behind the curtain.
I see her true motives, there is no love.
Narcissistic parents WILL inflict their abuse on their children’s children. They have no boundaries, they have no awareness of their impact on others, which for typical people would ordinarily sway them towards social cohesion. And if you dare to go up against them in a futile attempt to repair what you think is a broken relationship, YOU will be made out to be the crazy one. This is called ‘gaslighting’.
I have experienced gaslighting first hand and it leaves you questioning your entire reality. Being exposed to this form of abuse as a child and then as an adult led to a complete loss of identity. I did not know how to trust my own experiences of the very world I lived in. Narcissists thrive on their victims self-doubt, it’s what keeps them going. Going no contact means that I now have opinions, I engage in healthy debate with others, I am considered and thoughtful in my interactions because I trust myself. And in no way am I perfect at this, but I am allowing myself to grow. There is no one there to criticise me, put me down, make me question my reality. There is no one trying to belittle me and cause unnecessary drama.
The strongest motivator for me is to protect my children. Witnessing the mother play favourites with my children, her complete disregard for how we choose to parent, her complete disregard for my children’s feelings and thoughts was the final straw. It’s been three years and my children still remember me crying after her visits, they still remember me having to leave the dinner table and then come back looking angry. This is what the narcissist does, they will trigger you in public and they are the ones who will remain calm so that YOU will look like the crazy person.
There is no repairing a relationship with this personality disorder, it permeates every aspect of the fabric of your life. The only option is to go no contact so that there is some opportunity for you to repair and ensure your children will grow to have self-worth and self-love.
To everyone out there experiencing this personality disorder with their immediate family, my heart goes out to you. Find a way to distance yourself, stay strong, get support and learn to love yourself. It’s not easy but it is possible.
All you did was rent a womb, the rest is up to you!