Category Archives: narcissism

Narc Stunts 101

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  • Make sure gifts are given with an audience!

It was my daughters birthday last week and the mother literally placed a blanket on the footpath with 10+ bags of presents and a bunch of balloons outside our home, so that my children would see this spectacle whilst trying to get them to school.

Now lets break it down. We’ve been no contact for 2 years. This means if we were to drive past all these presents with ‘nanna’ standing there, my children would not understand why they wouldn’t be allowed to open all these gifts. They are too little to understand the reasons why. Hence, me and my husband become the bad guys in the children’s eyes.

The Narc Mother stood outside our home for at least an hour, chatting to anyone walking past. It was embarrassing, annoying and gut wrenching all at the same time. This is what she’s done time and time again, play the victim, beg for forgiveness although there’s never any admission of any wrong doing.  And in the past I would have fell for this act, allowing her back in my life, believing that she will change because she’s promising to listen to me this time. LIES! I’m not falling into this cycle again.

Eventually she left because we threatened to call the police and began filming her. And of course, the follow up e-mail a mile long. In the past I would feel compelled to respond, she knows all the trigger points. But the great thing is, she doesn’t realise how much stronger I am now. Even with her saying she’s enrolled in a university course so as to follow my own career path.

What a jealous little evil person. She wants to do the same degree I worked so hard to complete. The same degree that was questioned time and time again. This is not the first time narc mother has shown her jealous colours, it has happened with boys I’ve dated and general interests such as loving fairies and frogs. Being raised by a narc meant that any spark, personality or extraversion was squashed down, laughed and scoffed at. Yet, each time I rose above my interest would become her interest.

This is the disorder, this is what it is to have mental illness in a family. Right now there’s no escape. And I find some comfort knowing I’m not alone. All of us raised by narc parents have similar themed stories, the patters are evident in the narc parent and there are patterns of behaviour for children born to them.

Now more than ever, I need to check myself. Empathy is key.  As dawn breaks, and I step away from my laptop I will focus on meeting  the emotional needs of my children and taking care of my husband, be kind, listen and respond appropriately.

This is the legacy of being raised by a narc, a constant self-monitoring. But if that’s what it takes then so be it!

 

 

 

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Window of Experience: Adult Child with a Toxic Parent

What does narcissistic abuse from a parent look like when you’re an adult with your own family?

It’s so pervasive and unrelenting that it colours your entire reality, it can affect how you see yourself, relate to your husband, wife, children, friends and work colleagues. I was in this half reality for so long and did not even realise how affected I was until going no contact for a length of time. The more time that went by without seeing the toxic parent, the more I was able to see just how damaged my perception of reality was.

Let me explain, before seeing toxic parent, I would strategise and have a plan if certain behaviours were to occur. I was not to allow myself to get baited by her unrelenting comments that were usually highly critical, undermining, and essentially said to try and get a reaction from me in public (so that she could look like a victim). After being in the company of toxic parent, I would de-brief and cry most of the time because she was just so damn mean and dismissive. For days afterwards, my mood would be low, my general interactions with my husband and children would be affected. A week or two goes by, I feel better. Then it happens all over again with the next visit. This cycle of narcissistic abuse continued for years. It wasn’t until going no contact for 2 years now, that a veil has lifted.

Whilst I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m happy all the time and completely healed, what I do have are better coping strategies with life in general, I understand self-care, being forgiving of myself and others more easily rather than hold grudges and negative energy. I can handle small obstacles and bumps along the way without over the top reactions, and if I do react, the moment passes quicker and I am able to press on with the day.

A toxic parent stunts your growth as an adult. After such a traumatic childhood filled with all kinds of abuse, I still had so much growing up to do even in my late 30’s! There’s still such a way to go, but I feel confident that I have the skills to continue living a good life, make good decisions and go on protecting my own children from this most toxic person I used to call Mom.

I do not advocate for no contact as the first port of call, each person’s journey is unique and their own. For some, clear boundaries and low contact can work. For other’s it doesn’t, and that was the case with me. Honestly, it wasn’t until I witnessed the same psychological games being played on my children that were played with me that I finally had enough. Not everyone can understand my decision and that’s because I won’t tell everyone all the details. There’s no point re-living this experience just to help someone else make sense of it. The more time that goes by where I remain no contact, I stand on firmer ground and become stronger emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

Blood Dripping

blloooood

When I was a pre-schooler, around the age of 4, I have this memory of being dressed in a ballet costume.  I am standing on my grandparents front porch crying and looking at the blood dripping down and along my hand.

You see, I am a nail biter. It’s something I began at a very young age, and are my first attempts at self-injury. Later in life, I would cut myself with razors and broken mirrors or glass. The scars are still visible.

In this particular memory, I have made a real mess of myself. I look at the Mother, crying and wanting her to wipe the blood away. She is holding a camera, taking photos of me, smiling and laughing. Telling me to pose for the photo. 

Over the years, when the Mother was allowed contact with my daughters and I witnessed this kind of inconsiderate behaviour around taking photographs, it would trigger me to either ask my step-dad to remove her phone or I would hide her phone myself. And it was never just one photo, it was 10 plus photos.

The Mother was constantly behind her camera forcing my daughters to pose, scrutinising their natural smiles with comments like “act normal”; “oh that’s too much of a smile” ;“don’t smile too much”; treating them as if they are little dancing monkeys, there for her own amusement at no matter what the cost. There was no regard for what their needs might actually be, which is usually just wanting to play with their toys.

I would see the shamed look cross their faces, their plastered fake smiles and lack of joy.  All the while, the Mother continually wanting more photos. I feel so much guilt at allowing these kinds of toxic interactions into their precious world.

I’ve often thought that the ‘buck stops here’ when it comes to having my own children. So far, i’ve been No Contact for 10 months and I must keep reminding myself why this is so important. As time goes by, it’s easy to forget why I am No Contact and this natural forgetting is perhaps one of those inbuilt survival mechanisms of trauma that has allowed the mother continued access into my life after no contact periods.

I am not forgetting this time. This time the stakes are too high, I only get ONE chance to give my daughters the best chance at a happy, fulfilled life. Narcissistic parents go on to traumatise their grandchildren. This is fact. Everyone is narcissistic supply.

In 1975, Ghosts in the Nursery was published by Fraiberg et al., The authors conceptualise ‘ghosts’ as unresolved inter-generational trauma referring to these ghosts as ‘intruders from the past’ (p.388). The authors touch on the fact that traumatised children of narcissistic parents do not always go on to traumatise their own children. That these grown children seek help from professionals, identifying the ghosts and banishing them from the nursery.

This is ME. 

Not only are these ghosts banished. They are banished along with the Narc Mother who brought the ghosts into my life. The Mother is not aware of the ghosts that walk with her.

I am aware. The reality is all too real. There is no more pretending. In my grief journey of mourning the mother, I am finally at the stage of ACCEPTANCE.

I am FREE.

Physically free. I do not see her. The emotional anguish I experience daily at trying to NOT be like her is the legacy I am left with. Constant self-reflection, constant monitoring of my emotional reactions. This is the legacy of childhood abuse.

A good example of this is when my daughter stood up from the couch, stumbled and fell. The thoughts in my head were the mother “ha ha you’re so clumsy” “you’re so accident prone silly girl” “get up and stop crying”.

In the midst of hearing those things that were said to me as a child, I scooped my daughter up and gave her a hug, rubbing the spot where she hurt herself on the corner of the table. I told her she was ok and our day continued happily. The abuse cycle stops with me. 

The mother’s name-calling, snide remarks and meanness became my inner voice for a long time. I feel as though I am healing from this and am able to recognise when this happens. I allow those internalised comments to slide away because I know I am not stupid, I am not an idiot, I am not accident prone, I am not a bitch.

I am so many different wonderful things that she will never, ever know. She is not capable of knowing who I am because that would involve seeing me as an individual person who is different to her. And in her eyes I will never be enough. I now ACCEPT this without it affecting my self-esteem. This is an amazing feeling. 

Although there is still a long way to go in my path of recovery, I am allowing myself to enjoy this moment. This is what HEALING feels like. 

 

photo credit: Loren Schmidt

 

 

A Narcissistic Lullaby

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“Hush little girl, don’t you dare say a word,

You must forget all that, you’ve seen and heard.

But if my baby bird, decides it’s going to sing.

Mama will tell the world, that you’ve come unhinged.

Poor little child, your minds lying to you,

what you think, you recall is not completely true.

It’s not my fault that, you exaggerate and lie.

It seems Mama, can’t make you happy,

No matter how hard I try.

There’s food in the cupboards, and toys on the floor.

There’s clothes on your back, so what you complaining for?

So now hush little baby, and stop acting out.

Or Mama’s gonna give, you something to cry about”

Written by Kira Cooper 2018

Photo credit: a girl, dreaming her life away 

 

 

 

A 180° Turn

Screen Shot 2018-04-08 at 1.38.01 AM.pngAs of this last week, my story of healing has taken a large step in the opposite direction. Unfortunately these maladaptive ways of dealing with my feelings and thoughts has reared its head again. In the lead up to attending a mediation assessment at the request of the Mother, I am overwhelmed and unsure of what the future holds. I am having catastrophic thoughts of ending up in family court and her wanting to see my children. I keep thinking how am I going to protect my children from such a toxic person if a judge thinks she has rights.

I wonder if all the emotional abuse in childhood, as well as adulthood has any weight in the eyes of the law? So many questions and no clear answer has resulted in me stuffing my thoughts away with food. I know I’m attempting some kind of escape but can’t stop. Sometimes when I’m driving alone, I put the music in the car so loud to drown out all these awful thoughts about how my life would look with the Mother in it. It’s unbearable. It’s the ‘not knowing’ part that really gets to me.

So far, I’m doing everything in my power to create a different life for my girls, one where they are not abused, they are not toyed with, manipulated and used as a weapon for another’s gain. I have happy little girls who get to be who they want to be. They are accepted for all their quirks and cheeky antics, they have firm and reasonable boundaries that don’t change according to a parents mood. Without the stress of the Mother my girls have a Mum who is happier. Right now, thinking about some end point where I am in court having to deal with the Mother and all her manipulations makes me worry and loose touch with the present moment of all the joy that’s right in front of me.

How do I put these thoughts aside in a way that isn’t destructive to myself? Am I supposed to breathe them away? Distract with exercise? How do I make the worry stop?

Right now, much like the photograph attached to this post, I am in free fall. Falling down with no end in sight, how on earth do I float back up? I want to be able to rise above, in spite of what is happening that is beyond my control. Perhaps writing this post tonight can be my first step back towards the light and away from this dark patch.

 

 

Photo Credit: Sebas Oz 

 

Story Of Healing

My blogging journey began with the memories and now it has transformed into one of healing.

NARC WHITE

When I first began the journey towards healing from the past, one of my first steps was joining lots of different narcissistic support groups on Facebook. Reading other peoples posts of information they’ve found, books they’ve read as well as questions posted helped me feel that I am not alone. In my life, I am surrounded by family and friends who do not understand what it is like to be raised by a narcissistic parent. They lack the insight to provide any kind of support. Which of course I understand, to describe even the smallest thing I’ve experienced at the hands of my Narc Mother leaves people either laughing, speechless or looking at me like I might be too sensitive. Because after all, she’s your mother right? How could a mother really want to hurt her children? Generally people find this hard to comprehend because it goes against everything  society holds dear about Mothers’.  I get told, “but she’s so nice” or “she’s your mother”. That last one really gets to me; so because she’s my mother I must excuse the fact that deep down there is no genuine love for me? No genuine interest in who I am, no acceptance of my dry sense of humour. I must excuse her for belittling me in the company of other people because “she’s my mother”?

And then when I let people know I have no contact with the Mother, I get the ‘I’m so sorry’. To which I reply, there is nothing to be sorry about. Since going no contact I am the strongest I have ever been. I am more sure of myself, more conversational, more connected to other people in my life, friends and acquaintances. The best part is that I am actually feeling my emotional states rather than trying to suppress my feelings with destructive behaviour as was the case for most of my life. A great example of this is when we had a planning meeting at work and my manager cried at the end because she was so happy with all our efforts and where we are going in 2018. Before I would struggle to connect and feel empathy towards another in this situation and would engage more in what I think was a cognitive empathy rather than a deeper feeling state of empathy. Seeing my manager’s happiness expressed through tears brought tears to my own eyes, and I allowed myself to feel that connection. I did not push it away and nor did I feel ashamed.

A month or so later this happened again at my little girl’s school assembly. The Grade 6’s had made a beautiful video of children in the school celebrating their values each had written onto posters, things like being a good friend, sharing and kindness. These children were expressing themselves in a way that was unique to them, and this was a cause for celebration. Watching this video brought tears to my eyes and I stood there allowing the waves of feeling to rush through my body, I allowed my heart to fill with the love and there was no shame. My expression of gratitude was accepted by my school community, everyone shared in the emotion.

This is healing!

 

 

 

 

Finding My Voice – A Journey of Healing

 

HIS MASTERS VOICE

Photo credit: austinbriab 

I am a person who suffered in a multitude of ways during childhood, and consequently, toxic family dynamics as an adult. One of my goals on the journey to self-healing was to find my voice. And well, I think this may actually be happening! This lightening bulb moment that my goal is being reached happened today. For quite some time, I have read Quora questions and answers, although not participated. Today  I was reading some answers to questions and thought I could contribute to various discussions. So I created a profile and begun answering questions.

I feel as though my journey can offer hope to others who are struggling with depression, drug addiction and toxic relationships. Perhaps knowing that there is another person out there having been through so much darkness and who has come out the other side a better person for it, offers some light. That nothing lasts forever, that the only thing we can truly rely on is CHANGE. It does happen, ever so slowly. Providing you do not give up. Even after the darkest days, that the next day you start again, keep starting again as many times as you need to until the days between starting again become longer and longer stretches of time.

The Narc Mother in my life took my voice. One occasion on a holiday, I asked a tour guide a question about something, and the tour guide liked my question, commenting that it was a “good question”. My non-parent (narc mother) clearly did not like this quality growing in  me. Thinking Thoughts. Independent Thought. Querying Mind. At every moment after that if there were an opportunity to catch me off guard in front of people, she would say in her sarcastic way “oh you’re good at asking questions, go on ask a good question, do you have any questions?” Completely surprising me and shining a spotlight when I did not ask. Well, after many times of these interactions I stopped listening, I would tune out, afraid to look interested in what was being said around me. And then the cycle begins, how can I think of anything if I’m not even interested in learning or knowing anything.

Coming back from this place has been a journey spanning decades, and it began with beginning an undergraduate in Science. I listened and learned so many new things, I read the same passages over and over again training my brain to learn and absorb information.  Over time I got better at essay writing, and now as an adult in my late 30’s feel I have some insight to offer that brings together my years of study and life experience.

Here I find the silver lining.

And here is the link to my Quora profile 🙂

https://www.quora.com/profile/Maria-Night-1