Photo credit: austinbriab
I am a person who suffered in a multitude of ways during childhood, and consequently, toxic family dynamics as an adult. One of my goals on the journey to self-healing was to find my voice. And well, I think this may actually be happening! This lightening bulb moment that my goal is being reached happened today. For quite some time, I have read Quora questions and answers, although not participated. Today I was reading some answers to questions and thought I could contribute to various discussions. So I created a profile and begun answering questions.
I feel as though my journey can offer hope to others who are struggling with depression, drug addiction and toxic relationships. Perhaps knowing that there is another person out there having been through so much darkness and who has come out the other side a better person for it, offers some light. That nothing lasts forever, that the only thing we can truly rely on is CHANGE. It does happen, ever so slowly. Providing you do not give up. Even after the darkest days, that the next day you start again, keep starting again as many times as you need to until the days between starting again become longer and longer stretches of time.
The Narc Mother in my life took my voice. One occasion on a holiday, I asked a tour guide a question about something, and the tour guide liked my question, commenting that it was a “good question”. My non-parent (narc mother) clearly did not like this quality growing in me. Thinking Thoughts. Independent Thought. Querying Mind. At every moment after that if there were an opportunity to catch me off guard in front of people, she would say in her sarcastic way “oh you’re good at asking questions, go on ask a good question, do you have any questions?” Completely surprising me and shining a spotlight when I did not ask. Well, after many times of these interactions I stopped listening, I would tune out, afraid to look interested in what was being said around me. And then the cycle begins, how can I think of anything if I’m not even interested in learning or knowing anything.
Coming back from this place has been a journey spanning decades, and it began with beginning an undergraduate in Science. I listened and learned so many new things, I read the same passages over and over again training my brain to learn and absorb information. Over time I got better at essay writing, and now as an adult in my late 30’s feel I have some insight to offer that brings together my years of study and life experience.
Here I find the silver lining.
And here is the link to my Quora profile 🙂